Five Years of Missed Birthdays

Jackson’s birthday is strange this year.  It’s not like the previous years have been.  For one thing, I feel so busy.  Not quite too busy to remember, but too busy to fixate, that’s for sure.  Evie’s birthday had us all in an uproar, as did our trip to Elko.  Today, consequently, is all about getting back to real life.  Harry going back to school, Kile going back to work, me and the little ones getting back to  our routine.

I would have liked to have visited the cemetary today, but I don’t think I’ll be able to manage.  Sure, I could pack up the kids and drive down to get Kile and we could all go over.  But I don’t want to overextend myself either and I’ll have to be packing them up tomorrow to take them (by myself!) to Evie’s pediatrician appointment.  But Kile has said that he will visit and bring him some flowers.

This morning, when I reminded Harry whose birthday it was today and how old he would have been, he replied, “He could have been my friend.  We could have played together.”  Yep, he sure could.  Harry and Jackson would have been much closer in age and I think they would have had a great time together.  As much fun as he has with Liam, I think Harry would have had a buddy in Jackson.  I’m sorry he never got that chance.

I don’t have much to say this year.  I don’t know what to say.  The fact that it has been five years blows me away.  Jack would have been going to kindergarten this summer.  He wouldn’t have been a baby anymore.  He would have been a full-fledged little boy.  Would he have been ornery like Liam?  Calm like Harry and Evie? Would he have been into trucks and trains or superheros and video games?  So many unanswered questions.

On this, the fifth anniversary of his birth and death, I wanted to highlight all the posts I have written for Jackson over the years.  I’ll start with last year and work backwards:

Each post, each year, is a snapshot in time.  How we were grieving, how we were living with Jackson, how we were coping and moving forward and living our lives.  I didn’t write a letter this year.  Maybe I will and just tuck it back somewhere that only I can see it.  Either way, he will be remembered.  Not a year, not a day, will go by without him being remembered.

Happy Birthday, Jackson.

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